woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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