the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
