I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
