I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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