Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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