I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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