I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
This is my gift to your gina
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
