I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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