So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
