the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
