I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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