just tell him i said nine months
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
