We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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