I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
