Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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