DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
