Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
