I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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