Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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