Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
