I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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