At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize