She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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