This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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