i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
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Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
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Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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