Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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