The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
