I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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