how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
