Just fell off a train. Bad.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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