happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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