I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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