hotel room ftw
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
