dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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