all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
