dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
