I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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