Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
