NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
