literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
