Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
