I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
