Your face is a jimmy john
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
