If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
