i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
