The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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