please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
