I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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