Don't you send me to vm
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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