she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
