Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
