i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
