I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
