Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
