I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
