I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
