Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
