Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
