I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
